1. I’m blessed that he is committed to putting our kids and their needs first, above our differences.  MiniMe asked him to help her study for a test this weekend, which is my weekend.  He emailed to ask if he could come over on Saturday. Without hesitation, I said yes.  I’m thankful that we (and our respective new spouses) have always been welcomed in each other’s homes,  without tension or conflict that impacts our kids.  I’m thankful that we get along well enough that we can be flexible with our parenting time schedule, as our children’s needs dictate…and sometimes just to accommodate the other person.

2. I’m blessed to be co-parenting with a mature person of integrity.  I appreciate that he is honest and responsible, someone who doesn’t require a court order to get him to do what’s right.  Some of the most frustrating co-parenting situations are those in which one parent is an unrepentant liar or deadbeat or petty.  I might lose my mind if I had to co-parent with someone like that, someone I couldn’t trust to do right by my kids and respect my relationship with my kids.  Peace to the moms and dads who do, and who manage to keep their cool (and their sanity) and to be the bigger co-parent for their children’s sake, in the face of this childish and negligent behavior from the other parent.

3. I appreciate that he’s not only a great co-parent, but a great parent in general.  He knows that contributing sperm or signing adoption papers don’t make him “Daddy”; he knows that his love and care for the girls make him “Daddy.”  He’s an excellent role model for our daughters, attentive, and loving.  I don’t have to worry about what the girls are  learning or being exposed to when in his care; it’s all good stuff. And having grown up without such a dad in my own life, I really appreciate his character and that he’s a man of his word. Our girls have never known the disappointment that I grew up with, wondering if I’d be lied to and let down–again–by someone who I should have been able to count on.  In the wake of our divorce, I often reminded myself that while I hadn’t chosen a “forever” mate in him, I couldn’t have chosen a better dad for my kids.

4. I appreciate his transparency.  Again, my heart goes out to co-parents whose exes have secrets, secret lives, and “situations” that put their children in harm’s way or otherwise contribute to their delinquency as parents.  I don’t profess to know all of his business–nor do I want or need to–but I know that our girls are his priority and his “situation” is kosher and safe. Again, I couldn’t sleep if I had to worry about protecting my kids from their father or trying to do damage control because he’s a negative influence.

5. I appreciate that when we do bump heads, we can work it out.  We remember that we are on the same team, not trying to compete with one another or make the other parent look bad.  We know that if only one of us “wins”, our kids lose. There are no “sides.”  We’re both on the same side: our children’s. At the core, we know that we both want what’s best from the girls, and we always strive to come back to that truth.

6. I appreciate how he has welcomed TechBooHusband into the girls’ lives.  If he was lukewarm about it, he never let on to the girls.  All they’ve ever known is that Daddy thinks their stepdad is a good guy, and that frees them up to build their own relationships with him.  They never have to worry about loyalty or upsetting a parent because they enjoy the other parent or stepparent.

I could go on and on.  I think one of the reasons I felt compelled to write this out today is that I’m on co-parenting nonsense overload.  Day in and day out, less-than-congenial co-parenting situations are on my radar.  They make me thankful for my own co-parenting partnership which, while not perfect, is blessedly drama-free.

Love this.  I don’t know the source, but I got it from my brilliant  Tweep dumilewis.  Get more of Dr. Lewis here.

If you are a regular reader of CoParenting101.org, you know that I *heart* Talibah Mbonisi, founder of WeParent.com (a resource devoted to African-American co-parents) and our co-host on “Co-Parenting Matters.” Below is an awesome cross-post from WeParent penned by Talibah in which she talks co-parenting, Spades, and playing to win. She really breaks it down. Gotta love her!

Doesn’t it suck when you think you’re winning a game only to find out halfway through it that you’ve been playing the wrong game? For thirty minutes, you and your partner, affectionately known as “Them”, have taken some serious risks, so you wouldn’t underbid and lose points for winning too many books. And, you’ve done it masterfully, talking high quality junk all the while. Confident, cocky even, in your mastery of the game and ability to diminish your opponents, “Us”(who declared themselves as “Us”) both on the table and verbally. It’s the fourth hand, and you and your partner start smirking at each other from opposite sides of the card table, because these fools, “Us”, went board and then took twice as many books. You start clowning, talking loud, because they’re about to be down another 80 points for sandbagging. But…What? Oh. Hell. No.

House rules…We don’t play that way. Wrong game, Baby!

Yes, that smooth, culturally relevant metaphor is all about co-parenting. The fact is, too often, we go along thinking we’re winning, only to find out we’ve got the rules wrong, or worse, we’re playing the wrong game altogether. We’re bidding our hands, but winning the game actually requires a little sandbagging. We’re playing Joker’s high, but really deuces win. We think spades are trump, but they keep changing it. Oh snap, we’re playing Spades and the game is Tonk! Damn.

And, of course, the problem is that the way you score points, how you win, how you play, everything changes depending on the game. Co-parenting is the same way. Too often, we find ourselves playing the “Better Parent” game. We rack up points, playing full out, in areas like:

• Who’s spending more time on our child?
• Who’ spending more money on our child?
• Who “knows” our child best? Who knows more about what goes on in his/her life? Mind? Heart?
• Who does our child prefer or even love more?
• Who cares more?
• Who’s the better parent?

But, guess what? Wrong game, Baby! In this house, we play the “Happy, Healthy, Whole Child” game. Here, you score points in categories like:

• How loved does my child feel?
• How whole does my child feel?
• How safe and secure does my child feel?
• How successful does my child feel?
• How confident is my child in his ability to deal with difficult challenges?
• How happy is my child?

Winning requires strategies and skills like teamwork, effective conflict management, high quality listening, meeting in the middle, focusing on solutions, and yes, do-or-die commitment. Talking across the board is allowed, if it’s respectful, and everybody knows the house rules up front. And, hell, if you’re winning and want to talk junk…we honor bragging rights. Because, where we live, in our house, “Us” and “Them” become “We” and, we play this co-parenting game to win. Our kids deserve nothing less.

So, in your next quiet moment of reflection or while you’re in the throes of an argument with your child’s other parent, stop for a minute and ask yourself what game you’re playing. And, if it’s the wrong one, change it up…and play to win!

~

Talibah Mbonisi, founder of WeParent, is a Marketer by trade, a problem solver by nature and a mother by grace. She is also an unmarried co-parent navigating the path that will lead to a happy, healthy son, and a fulfilled, balanced Mama and Daddy.

Read more articles by Talibah Mbonisi

More good news…Check out my interview with Talibah Mbonisi of WeParent here.

More good news…Check out my interview with Talibah Mbonisi of WeParent here.

“‘medica mondiale’ is a German-based non-governmental organization that works to prevent and punish sexual violence against women and girls in wartime. They have helped over 70,000 traumatized women and girls in Bosnia and Herzegovina, Kosovo, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Liberia and Afghanistan.”  Read/watch an interview with Hauser at Democracy Now.

Hat tip to tfoley for the heads up

Here are some of the latest posts over at my other blog baby, CoParenting101.org:

For those parents who did not get the memo: Co-Parenting: It’s not about you…

…still, the put-on-your-oxygen-mask-first rule applies:  Co-Parenting and Healing: Rising from the ashes of divorce

And finally a little throwback text: Divorce by the Book

Tell a co-parenting friend!