If I didn’t define myself for myself, I would be crunched into other people’s fantasies for me and eaten alive.   ~Audre Lorde

Multi-taksing Stats: Gosh, it’s been years since I’ve done this, but here goes…I posted this whilst grading, tweeting, lounging on the couch thinking about the red velvet waffles I’m going to make in celebration of a milestone later this month and being underwhelmed by the leftover salmon I had for dinner tonight, and helping my bonus daughter with her math homework over the phone.

ETA…A couple of friends have asked about the chicken and red velvet waffles.  Read on to see what they look like (WARNING: Do not blame me when you can’t focus for the rest of the day.)

I got the idea from this guy, who got the recipe from this woman. My stomach thanks them both in advance.

The ingredients I gave him: chicken, hot peppers, and eggs

The ingredients he gave me: watermelon, blackberries, and artichoke hearts

As you can see, I was at a disadvantage.  But of course, I never back down from a challenge.

Here are the results:

Chicken & cilantro sausage w/artichoke hearts sauteed in olive oil, cilantro, garlic, dry Riesling and lime.  I bought the (fresh from the Whole Foods butcher case) sausage & artichoke hearts today; everything else I had on hand.  I enjoyed this with…

…this refreshing fruit cooler made with blackberries, watermelon, dry Riesling, and sparkling lemonade.  I bought everything today, except the Riesling.

Here’s what TechBooHusband put together:

A spinach wrap with chicken, scrambled eggs, goat cheese, peppers, mushrooms, and jalapeno sauce (and some random peaches on the side…)

Here’s an inside view:

Whatever.

So, judges, what say you?

We get asked all the time, “How do you do it?”–”it” being maintain a long-distance marriage. Periodically, I offer some answers to that question here. The short answer? He’s got shared custody; I’ve got shared custody. Neither one of us wants to parent from a distance. So we do it because we love each other, love our kids, and are committed to being partners for life. The “how” flows from that: we make it work.

Love is served!

This post first appeared at CoParenting101.org.

At first glance, what you see is just Sunday dinner. But perhaps what you can’t see are the ingredients that went into making this wonderful spread: time, attention, thought, patience, laughter, fun…and love.

My (Deesha’s) oldest stepdaughter made sautéed greens (a method of preparing greens that I introduced her and her dad to recently). Tell me these don’t look like something straight off of Food Network (and no, mine never look this good!):

My youngest stepdaughter made the corn bread and macaroni and cheese. My husband helped her fry the chicken (and by “helped”, I mean he fried the chicken while she was off doing something else, lol).

What does any of this have to do with co-parenting? Only this: This spread really brought home something that we write about on this site daily. We try to encourage parents who are co-parenting under difficult circumstances, who may be discouraged or worried about the impact of parental conflict on their children. Time and time again, we tell them not to underestimate the power of their positive influence in the face of negativity. We tell them that their character and their actions do matter, and that the children are always watching.

We tell them we understand that it’s hard to be the Bigger Parent. We tell them to just hold on, with the hope that their kids will “get it”, in their own time.

We urge them to focus on the power they do have to impact their children’s lives for the better, even though they may feel powerless when their children are not in their care.

We tell them that the time, attention, thought, patience, laughter, fun…and yes love, that they share with their children means the world.

Peace to the parents who do not get a chance to connect in this way with their children because of parental alienation.

Peace to the parents who feel like they messed up at the outset of the break-up and want another chance with their children to do better.

Peace to the parents who are afraid that their children’s love for the other parent somehow diminishes their love for them. (It doesn’t.)

Peace to the children who live between two households and who simply want…peace.

Speaking of my dear husband, you can hear him, El Ex, and some other wonderful co-parenting dads on the most recent episode of Co-Parenting Matters, “Dads’ Roundtable Discussion.”

So what does summertime mean for us, married-with-kids, across 2 states?  For starters, it means great weather which means fewer flights and more road trips to get to each other.  It also means long, indulgent weeks booed up in the same place, sometimes with kids, sometimes without, though always with…

It means Grillmaster TechBoo getting me addicted to this:

…and then after dinner taking the fam out to do this:

or this:

…in preparation for a fall 5K.

It also means sweet moments like yesterday when my bonus daughter, L-Boogie, invited me to come to her school awards program.

Of course I gladly did, and bonus: on the way back to her seat, she stopped to give me hug–and L-Boogie is not a hugger, so this was extra special.

Summertime also means camps for the girls and an all-family get-together with El Ex and Sherry.  This summer, we continue our love affair with:

Fortunately, all the girls are daredevils so this image isn’t an accurate representation.

Ah, summer…

Here’s how TechBoo and I have decided we want to celebrate our 40th birthdays in 2011 (we were born exactly 2 weeks apart):

So we’re saving up between now and then, and have reached out to two friends and resident experts on all things Paris (including the lovely Haute Travels), to find out the best time to go, the must-see spots, night life, where to stay, where to eat, and how to do it all on a reasonable budget.

Tonight, TechBoo started learning French.  He’s searching for an online resource for us to use together.  I took four years of French in high school, so needless to say, I’m very rusty.   So far he can say, “My name is [TechBoo]” and “Will you marry me?”  He’s kinda late with that, but his excitement is making me downright giddy.

Since my first French class in 9th grade, I’ve always wanted to go to Paris.  One of the things that TechBoo and I cherish about our relationship is that we are dream partners.  We share our wildest dreams and our most mundane ones, loving the fact that in each other we have someone to imagine and hope and strive and scheme and dare alongside us–even if the dream itself isn’t ultimately realized. We tell each other what we want to be when we grow up. For us, being able to share our dreams and be encouraged in them, is meaningful and precious in and of itself.  Bills, kids, work…there’s no shortage of things keeping us grounded in reality.  But together, we can envision and enjoy life beyond the everyday-ness of it all.

For as long as I can remember, throughout my childhood and into adulthood, I dreamed about different scenarios in my future–again, from the wild to the mundane.  But the day I stopped dreaming and looking forward to the future was the day I knew that, as ebadu sang, “I made a wrong turn back there somewhere”–and that it was time to get back to myself, to the girl who was full of dreams and ambitions, not fear and anxiety and paralysis.

When I met TechBoo, he was at a similar juncture in his life.  He didn’t speak of dreaming–at least not in the beginning –but he did share with me many of the things he wanted to do in the next chapters of his life.  Like me, he didn’t want to sleepwalk through life.  He wanted his world to be larger than it was, and I did too.  And yet, in the grand scheme of things, most of the stuff we talked about wasn’t so “out there.”  For example, we both wanted to travel.  Neither of us had done much in the way of leisure travel, so some of our earliest “dates” were “on the road.”  From salmon dinners at turnpike truckstop restaurants to salsa dancing in Toronto, we’ve shared a lot of firsts.

And God and money willing, we’ll be celebrating our four decades with another first… in the City of Lights and Love!

So, great minds think alike.  For Mother’s Day, El Ex helped MiniMe and BabyGirl get me flowers and strawberries dipped in chocolate, 2 books that I can’t wait to read, and a white chocolate bar with almonds.  Now, anyone who knows me knows that I don’t care for chocolate…except for Godiva and Lindt chocolate.  And that’s what I got.

TechBooHusband and my bonus daughters also sent flowers, Godiva chocolate, and a book.

In other words, ya girl made out like a bandit on Mother’s Day.  Year-round, all four girls and their dads show their appreciation for me, so today, I’m just reveling in the beauty and the sweetness.  I count it a privilege to have hit the Mama Trifecta: I am a bio, adoptive, and bonus (step) mom.

The phone rang early this morning, and I received yet another gift: For the third year in a row, my bonus daughters called to wish me a happy Mother’s Day.  One even woke up the other to make the call.  More sweetness.  My heart is full, y’all.

Wedding date: March 28, 2010
Length of engagement, days: 370

Our combined number of children: 4
Number of these who are sons: 0
Children’s ages: 6, 11, 11, 13

Number of retail stores visited to purchase wedding attire and accessories: 0
Percent of shopping for wedding attire and accessories done online: 100%
Approximate number of Twitter friends who helped with shopping: 6
Amount of awesome discount on MAC Cosmetics, thanks to Bianca: 40%
Number of practice make-up sessions before wedding day: 1

Number of bedrooms in Marriott Beachside suite: 3
Number of beds: 4

Days spent in Key West: 4
Times seared ahi tuna was ordered while in Key West: 4
Of these, times seared ahi tuna was ordered by bride: 4
Approximate number of times suite kitchen was used to prepare meals: 7
Age of child who surprised us with breakfast the day after the wedding: 11

Cost of Marriott pool-side mani-pedi, not including tip: $95

Pairs of glasses lost either in Key West or while en route to Key West: 2
Number of these belonging to the groom: 2

Total number of flights taken for round-trip to Key West: 4
Number delayed: 0

Number of guided jet-ski tours taken in Key West by bride (with child riding on the back): 2
Number of guided jet-ski tours taken in Key West by groom (with child riding on the back): 1
Number of times we wiped out on jet-skis: 0
Average length of jet-ski tour, in hours: 2
Age of child who did not jet-ski: 6

Loads of laundry begun in Marriott suite: 4
Number of loads completed: 3

Number of violin strings broken immediately before the ceremony: 1
Number of children crying immediately before the ceremony: 1
Number of children crying immediately after the ceremony: 1

Number of stuck zippers immediately before ceremony: 1
Number of unstuck zippers immediately before ceremony: 1

Size of sailing yacht crew: 2
Number of these who were male: 0

Times hair orchids had to be re-pinned during the course of the evening: 200

Minutes on board before bride changed out of cute silver sandals with comfy heel to cute rhinestone flipflops: 10
Minutes on board before children kicked off cute silver sandals and went barefoot: 8

Times photographer forgot kids were present and used mild profanity while joking around: 1
Times photographer’s wife/wedding coordinator/officiant gave him The Look: 1

Approximate time ceremony began: 7:01 PM
Page length of the ceremony and vows, with various formatting: 3

Number of x-rated things whispered by the groom to the bride during the ceremony: 3

Glasses of champagne consumed aboard sailing yacht: 2
Cans of soda consumed aboard sailing yacht: 4

Age of child who shouted to people on the shore, “They’re married…WE’RE married!!!”: 6

Number of smiles and laughs and hugs during the 2-hour cruise: countless

I got it: Li’l Mama.

So…my day started with a nice little chat with Li’l Mama.  I’m still looking for a poem for her to read during our wedding ceremony. In all our giddiness, Techboo and I committed to being mindful of and sensitive to the fact that the kids (all 4 of them) have their own feelings about our marriage and the wedding–generally excited and happy, but in the wake of our respective divorces, likely other feelings as well–and we want to give them the emotional space to feel what they feel.  For this reason, we’ve generally followed their lead in terms of involving them in the wedding planning and such.

So my heart did a little happy dance when I got a text from Li’l Mama later in the day.  She sent me a picture of the stack of boxes that had arrived at the house.  The text included the words “Our wedding stuff,” and she expressed excitement about it.  Her and her younger sister’s dresses arrived a few weeks ago.  They love their dresses and their jewelry.  But there was something about the “our” in her text today that made me smile.  I like that she feels included.  Our hope is for a family wedding, a ceremony that represents all of us coming together, despite the distance.

Li’l Mama and I continued to text back and forth throughout the day and evening.  She sent before and after pictures of a beef dish she and Techboo made in the crockpot. I sent video of Mini-Me hooping it up at her basketball game.  Li’l Mama made me drool with pics of her homemade oatmeal cookies.  She promised to freeze some for me.

It really is the little things.  I’m approaching stepmotherhood slowly…mindfully.  Forging relationships with Li’l Mama and her sister that feel right to everyone.  And everything in its own time.  Every little moment, a gift.

I got it: Li’l Mama.

So…my day started with a nice little chat with Li’l Mama.  I’m still looking for a poem for her to read during our wedding ceremony. In all our giddiness, Techboo and I committed to being mindful of and sensitive to the fact that the kids (all 4 of them) have their own feelings about our marriage and the wedding–generally excited and happy, but in the wake of our respective divorces, likely other feelings as well–and we want to give them the emotional space to feel what they feel.  For this reason, we’ve generally followed their lead in terms of involving them in the wedding planning and such.

So my heart did a little happy dance when I got a text from Li’l Mama later in the day.  She sent me a picture of the stack of boxes that had arrived at the house.  The text included the words “Our wedding stuff,” and she expressed excitement about it.  Her and her younger sister’s dresses arrived a few weeks ago.  They love their dresses and their jewelry.  But there was something about the “our” in her text today that made me smile.  I like that she feels included.  Our hope is for a family wedding, a ceremony that represents all of us coming together, despite the distance.

Li’l Mama and I continued to text back and forth throughout the day and evening.  She sent before and after pictures of a beef dish she and Techboo made in the crockpot. I sent video of Mini-Me hooping it up at her basketball game.  Li’l Mama made me drool with pics of her homemade oatmeal cookies.  She promised to freeze some for me.

It really is the little things.  I’m approaching stepmotherhood slowly…mindfully.  Forging relationships with Li’l Mama and her sister that feel right to everyone.  And everything in its own time.  Every little moment, a gift.

Nay-Nay and me (age 1)

I had some baklava with my lunch at this Mediterranean place today.  Baklava is all honey-yumminess, but mostly I love it because my Nay-Nay introduced me to it when I was a kid.  Nay-Nay was always bringing the world to me in a white paper bag or covered styrofoam bowl.  I wrote a tribute to her here. A couple of years ago, not long after  this piece came out in print form, TechBoo surprised me by having it enlarged, matted, and framed.  It hangs now on my dining room wall.  Le sigh.  I miss my Nay-Nay.