Tip #482: Making Long-Distance Love Work – “How Does That Work Exactly?”
This morning, on one of my favorite blogs, Daily Plate of Crazy, Big Little Wolf mused about couples who live “together”, separately. Couples like TechBoo and me. Here’s some of what she had to say:
“I was perusing one of my favorite French sites last night, and came across this article on couples who live together, separately. Huh? So how does that work exactly?
“…According to the study, some 10% of French couples are successfully living apart. They are not cohabiting.
The French article does not address the issue of children; certainly, that complicates things. In this country, it could be part of the reason for such an arrangement. But purely in terms of relationship, do you find this a surprising trend? Or predictable, as society changes?
* Would your relationship survive a prolonged period of living under separate roofs?
* Can you imagine circumstances in which it would be your preference?
* What about jealousy? Mistrust?
What do you think – unrealistic, pragmatic, or a growing socioeconomic reality?”
Below is the comment I left. It’s a little longer version of the answer I give when people ask how my relationship “works”, which is often:
Oh, dear BLW, this is my reality and will be for at least the next 8 years when my fiance’s youngest child graduates high school. We both have shared custody of our children (4 girls between us), don’t want to uproot them from their current communities, and want to remain physically present in their lives. So, we have no choice but to continue the arrangement we’ve had in the 3 years we’ve been together, after we’re married in March. We see each other at least 2 weekends out of each month, more over major and minor holidays, summers, and school vacations.
Jealousy and mistrust…I haven’t found it to be any different than any other relationship. Trust is built, earned. I believe that if someone really wants to cheat, they will regardless of where they live in proximity to their partner.
This arrangement would never be our preference, but we’ve made our peace with it, and I will say that I believe our relationship benefits in some ways from the distance. We truly value our time together and don’t take it for granted. The doldrums that seem to be inevitable in relationships never have time to set in with us. Of course we argue and we do manage to get on each other’s nerves, even in a short amount of time, but the distance is like a pressure valve that helps relieve some of the tension.
The distance also forces us to be very purposeful and focused in terms of planning and communication. Sharing a life in two different states takes effort, and working together in this regard has really solidified our partnership and our friendship. We definitely miss each other, a lot, but we try to channel that longing and frustration into intensity, passion, and fun when we are together. It feels good to be missed and appreciated.
So…what are you thoughts about living together separately, about long-distance relationships in general?
January 20th, 2010 at 11:10 pm
Well, I was off to bed until I saw this post and I just had to comment. I considered commenting tomorrow, when I have more time – but who am I kidding?
I am in a long distance relationship as well. My boyfriend and I try to see each other every weekend, but it doesn’t always happen that way. We usually see each other three weekends a month. We have a two-hour drive between us, which doesn’t sound like much, but week after week, I-55 can wear on a person.
I’d much rather live together, or at least within 30 minutes of each other, but since it is not a possibility (for the same reason as for you), we make it work. The distance has its pros and cons, as you mention above.
The part I hate the most is that on a busy weekend, we can’t just end the day with a movie and a sleep over. We can’t just meet up for lunch. We have to plan our entire weekend around seeing each other – which means sometimes we don’t. It also means sometimes we don’t do other things we’d like to do separate from each other because I’m not missing a weekend with Doug to go to a purse party.
But I really do appreciate every minute that I’m with him. I like that I look forward to seeing him, touching him, laughing with him, etc. I like that we do fun things together even though we spend the whole weekend at each other’s homes. We don’t take for quality time for granted like I did when I was married. (i.e. “why do we need to do something together? we LIVE together!”)
Anyway, I look forward to the day we can close the 136 mile gap, but until then, I just wont be leasing any of my future cars!
January 21st, 2010 at 6:43 am
Hey, Lauren…yeah, we’ve both done the 480-mile, 8-hour round-trip drive on occasion over the course of our relationship, but we call Southwest the “Official Airline of Our Relationship”–can’t beat a 37-minute flight! And when we first started seeing each other, we could fly round-trip for just under $80 (before taxes, etc.). It’s not that cheap now, but still something we can fit in the budget.
Very often we find ourselves just staying at home and being up under each other. Outside of kids’ activities and friends’ parties, we’re content to just be because even that feels like a luxury. Even something like household chores (we believe in the Honey Do list, lol!) or making dinner together or for each other is a big deal because it’s not something we can just do whenever we feel like it.
January 21st, 2010 at 6:47 pm
My reality too. Probably until my partner retires–in five years at minimum. She is gone 3-4 days per week during academic semesters and home for academic vacations (working, but at a distance). We don’t love it, but we love it better than raising our Black daughters in a small, midwestern town. So we commute to give them a city life with more (hate the word but,) diversity of all kinds in their lives.
January 22nd, 2010 at 7:49 am
Shannon, I had no idea! We parents make all kinds of sacrifices and do all kinds of logistical gymnastics for these wonderful little people, don’t we? This is why they have to get out at age 18!