“Jesus was Adopted”…But What Does That Have to Do With My Adopted Child?
I’m late with this, but only recently did I find out that the piece below would not be running as a guest-post at Psychology Today after all. Some sort of bureaucratic misunderstanding, but I still thank Meredith Resnick for the invitation.
As Christmas approaches, my daughters and I have been revisiting treasured picture books that tell the story of Jesus’ birth. My six-year-old, Peyton, who is adopted, has also chosen some new nativity-themed books to add to our collection for bedtime reading. All of these books tend to start the story not quite at the beginning; they start with the star in the east, the shepherds, the host of angels. The one book that does begin with the Immaculate Conception (explained in preschooler-friendly language) does not, however, mention that Joseph is not Jesus’ biological father. Some well-intentioned Christian adults do, however, emphasize this facet of the Christmas story. Seeking to offer comfort to adopted children, they say, “Jesus was adopted too.”
I have not said this to Peyton, though, because “Jesus was adopted” doesn’t address the feelings of loss, anger, and grief Peyton has expressed related to her adoption. Peyton wants to know why she was placed for adoption—“why” beyond the simplistic but age-appropriate reasons we’ve given her thus far. She wants answers to “why” that fill the void she feels. She wants those answers plus more things that her dad and I can’t give. She wants to see her birth mother. She wants what her older sister Taylor, who is our biological child, has: the ability to see her birth parents every day. She wants relief from the unfairness of it all that she can’t have what her sister has. She wants relief from fears and doubts that we love Taylor more than we love her. She wants to believe that we really, really are her forever family.
While we are addressing Peyton’s concerns through a variety of resources at our disposal, I just can’t see how “Jesus was adopted too”, which emphasizes Joseph’s faithfulness and character, can help Peyton feel better about being adopted. I’ve been tempted to re-tell her the story of Moses instead, emphasizing his adoption, as I know an adult adoptee for whom this story was life-changing as a teen. But as I recall the details of Moses’ life, I can just imagine precocious Peyton saying, “Yeah, but, he still got to see his birth mom every day, even if he didn’t know it was her.”
So…enough with the biblical adoption stories. Instead, this holiday season, I will leave Peyton to find comfort in her own time and way, about adoption and more, from the bedtime story in current rotation at our house: a baby, a warm place provided that wasn’t a first choice, and the promise of love.
Update: Lo and behold, this piece did find its way to Psychology Today online after all, as a feature story. Check it out.
December 26th, 2009 at 2:15 am
Well said. The ‘Jesus was adopted’ lines bugs me, too. Even if someone wants to press the point by insisting that it was some sort of stepparent adoption by Joseph, it was still the most open adoption ever, since Jesus talked about being continually aware of God’s presence.
I just can’t see what good can come from an adoptive parent holding it out as a soothing or inspiring example.
Merry Christmas to you and your girls!
December 26th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Hi, Heather! I hope you had a merry Christmas. If I ever publish this piece, I might have to steal your “most open adoption ever” line. SO TRUE!
Thanks for stopping by!
~Deesha
December 26th, 2009 at 8:43 am
My mother abandoned me and when I was younger I had the “feelings of loss, anger, and grief.” After having my own children and them coming home one day talking about a friend that was adopted (they had questions) I explained to them that adopted kids are so cool. These kids were CHOSEN especially by their parents. These kids were wanted completely as they are because their adopted parents see them for what they can become. I applaud adoptive parents and am glad to read this post and viewpoint so that I am careful with my words too.
December 26th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
It’s time for you to write a story for Peyton. How many adoption books feature families of color? Since you have co-parenting for divorced parents, is there a more inclusive term for adopted children? This may be too public of a space for some of my thoughts on this; I will email you once the holiday season is over.
My own mother left me in my grandmother’s care and although I saw her (and still see her), I have many feelings of loss, displacement, anger, etc. that sometimes interrupt the wonderful life I have now. We have many adoptions stories in my family that range from triumphant to tragic–there is no one size fits all adoption story. Once again, I say that it’s time for you to write a story for Peyton (or perhaps Peyton’s story). Maybe she can even narrate it for other little people struggling for a sense of place.
Thanks, as always, for sharing <3
December 27th, 2009 at 7:12 am
Hey, Tina…I can’t believe we haven’t talked adoption before! I am always interested in the insights of adult adoptees to help me better understand what BabyGirl might be experiencing. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here! ~Deesha
December 27th, 2009 at 7:14 am
GG, believe it or not, it never occurred to me to write this story, and I love the idea of Peyton narrating. I look forward to your email. xo, ~Deesha
December 28th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
I love this, Deesha! I’ve been looking forward to reading this since you tweeted about it, and I couldn’t agree more. Such good points, and I’m so glad to see it made it on to Psychology Today’s website.
December 29th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Thanks, Kristen!
~Deesha
December 31st, 2009 at 11:57 am
I’m so glad I could feature you all the same! (The piece has gotten lots of comments.) And this essay is beautiful.
December 31st, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Thanks again, Meredith, for the opportunity. I’m thrilled that the feature generated comments from folks, though I read them squinting with one eye, lol!