Mamalicious!

Techboo to me, pillow-talking: You think you’re cute, don’t you?

Me: No.  You think I’m cute.

Okay, I warned y’all about the mush level rising around here as the wedding date approaches.

That said, with a divorce each under our belts, Techboo and I are clear-headed that it’s the marriage–not the wedding–that matters most.  The wedding will be an unforgettable day; the marriage will be an adventure, the continuing story of our life together.  And like all good adventures, there will be action, romance, laughter, cliff-hangers, and scary moments.

Of course, the adventure analogy kinda falls apart when you think about the inevitable doldrums that come.  But we’re ready for those too.  If there is any upside to divorce, it’s this: In the wake of it, if you seek healing (and not retribution and revenge),  in the process you learn things about yourself that you might not have otherwise known.  You learn how strong you are.  You learn what you value.  You learn what your needs are, as well as your gifts.  You learn what you want and need in a partner–and what you have to offer a partner.  You learn that there’s nothing wrong with being vulnerable, silly, daring, or even bored–with the right person.

After divorce, I learned that I wanted a partner with whom I could share my good life.  I no longer needed someone to be with me so that I could feel good about my life.

Of course, some people are fortunate to “get” all of this without enduring the trauma of divorce, but for me, my greatest life lessons have always come through fire.

On a lighter note, one of the things that I’ve learned about myself in this new space is that I am a diva. Not in the typical sense of the word (I’m not insufferable!), but I do fancy myself perched on a pedestal on occasion.  Who knew?  Certainly not me.  After a lifetime of struggling to make everyone around me happy (at my own expense) and feeling “less-than”, I’ve found the climb up the pedestal to be an easy one.  Early on in our dating life, when were were deciding to “be a couple”, TechBoo and I laid our respective cards on the table–what was most important to us (our kids), what were our dealbreakers?  In the midst of this Very Serious Conversation, he says to me, “One thing you need to know about me.  I am a football fanatic.  From September to February, everything revolves around game time [and he meant any and every game that airs!], but the rest of the year, I will treat you like an absolute princess.  Can you live with that?”

I could.  He’s kept up his end of the bargain, and I’ve actually learned a few things about football.  Of course, he’s missed some games because of other stuff we’ve had going on, but all in all, I’ve been willing to honor what’s important to him…even if I think he’s slightly insane about it.  He’s been just as willing to honor what’s important to me…even if I’m just flat out slightly insane.

That’s the other thing.  A real partner can tell you when your shit stinks and you can hear them.  Because I know this man has my back and is down for me forever, I can hear hard things from him.  I can hear less-than-stellar things about myself from him because he knows me better than anyone else, and I know he loves me anyway.

Before I met TechBoo, it seemed that I was often too much for whatever guy might be interested.  Too independent, too smart, too educated, too demanding, too detail-oriented, too conscientious, too artsy, too self-respecting, too black, too “white”…  It’s nice to just be–and have that be enough.

Plus…he thinks I’m cute.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 7:36 am and is filed under Divorce, Love 101, This and that. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.