Mamalicious!

…my marriage vows.

Word on the street is that TechBoo has already started on his.

It’s like, “physician heal thyself.”  Kinda. I can write other stuff in my sleep.  But this…not so much.

I’ll just procrastinate some more, and go find a poem for Li’l Mama (my oldest future bonus daughter) to read.  Let this marinate…

I’m fairly certain that I’ve posted a blog entry with this exact title before.  Because it’s true.  I’ve always been blessed with good friends, even though many times in my life I’ve nevertheless felt alone in the world.  After my mom, grandmother, and dad died in 2005, which coincided with the break up of my marriage, some friends fell by the wayside and new ones emerged.  I’ve been friend-rich every since.

Today on Twitter, someone tweeted about the importance of having cheerleaders in your life.  I’m happy to say that I have cheerleaders and that I try to be a cheerleader for others whenever I can.  I’ve been on the giving and receiving end of encouragement and help, so I know it can literally be a lifesaver.

After my mother died, there were times when I literally felt like I could not get up, and my friends were there for me.  My friend Becky was there then, and she was there again for me this week.  She’s dealing with her own stuff, and yet she reached out saying that she knew with the kids, the puppies, teaching, and the wedding coming up, I could probably use some help.  Boy, was she right.

Around the same time of my mother’s passing, a woman I did not know stumbled upon my custom writing service site.  She went on to become my biggest client, a cheerleader, and a dear friend. She gave me a professional chance to a degree that no one else ever had.  Thank you, Taneshia.

Another friend, S, runs an errand service.  Talk about the best wedding gift ever: Last week, she gave us 5 hours of her service for free.

This morning, a fellow writer whom I’ve only cyber-met, has joined the ranks of the dozen-plus folks who have written wonderful blurbs to accompany our co-parenting book proposal.  Blurbs are those killer quotes that, God-willing, will be printed on the back of our book jacket and used to promote the book.  Publishers care a lot about blurbs; getting them means that experts in the field and already-published folks find value in our book.

Late 2008/early 2009, a woman I did not know reached out to me via email to ask if maybe we could collaborate; she was about to launch a site for African-American co-parents.  Today, she is my collaborator, sister-friend, online radio co-host, life coach, and sounding board.  Thank you, Talibah.

TechBoo, my best friend, my love, likes to call me his favorite writer.  Well, I call him my favorite editor.  He has a sharp eye, and unless my deadline won’t allow, he reads everything I write before I send it into the world.  Gotta love a man who will debate with me about a misplaced “is.”  It means so much to me that he values my writing, enough to not only celebrate my successes, but also to give his time to the nuts and bolts of it.

So today and everyday, I look for ways to pay all this help, love, and encouragement forward.  I’ve found one today, so far.  How about you?  Who’s cheering for you?  Who have you cheered for today?

I know the Beatles did this first, but Joe Crocker did it best:

A big part of why my relationship with TechBoo works is that aside from the unavoidable issues related to the distance, we each function the same way we would as if we were living under the same roof full-time.  In other words, we work together on the mundane, the logistical, and the drudgery too.  Effective communication is a must of course, as is coordinating schedules, and making sure our priorities align.  To this end, our life together looks like a lot of other couples’ lives: we have to manage kids, their schedules, and needs; tend to household issues (maintenance, shopping, chores); plan how we spend time and money; and make sure we set aside time to nurture our relationship amidst all the busyness.  We just do it across two households.

What does this look like in practice?  We each do chores, grocery shopping, and cooking in both houses.  We both stay up-to-date and as involved as we can be with all four girls’ school and extracurricular activities.  When we are present or even long-distance, we’ve both helped with homework and school projects. TechBoo has scheduled Comcast and Dell service calls for me here.  From my living room here, I’ve rescheduled dentist and doctors appointments for him there.

Exciting stuff, right?

We bring order to what would otherwise be chaos with a really simple tool: Google Calendar:

I love Google Calendar.  It’s color-coded; on ours, my stuff is blue and TechBoo’s is pink (how’s that for gender-bending?).  The calendar displays both our work, travel, and personal appointments, as well as important school- and health-related appointments and dates for all the kids. We can edit each others calendars as needed and see what’s going on at a glance. El Ex and his wife have access to my side of the calendar, and they can make updates as well.  This all comes in handy when booking travel or if anyone needs to change the parenting time schedule.

All in all, we run a pretty well-organized ship…albeit in two different bodies of water.

Techboo and I get asked all the time, “How do you do it?”–”it” being maintain a long-distance relationship which will soon become a long-distance marriage. Periodically, I offer some answers to that question here. The short answer? He’s got shared custody; I’ve got shared custody.  Neither one of us wants to parent from a distance.  So we do it because we love each other, love our kids, and are committed to being partners for life.  The “how” flows from that: we make it work.

I love it when Baby Girl and Mini-Me get to spend time with TechBoo.  I get tired just watching them.  So much energy and joy.

Thanks, as always, to El Ex for making this possible.  Because he acts like a grown up and doesn’t disparage TechBoo (or me, for that matter) to our girls, the girls are free to build relationships with TechBoo in their own way and in their own good time with TechBoo.  He’s not trying to replace their father, and their father isn’t threatened by Techboo’s active presence in their girls’ lives or their affection for him.  We’ve talked, and while it’s human to feel at least a Little Something when a new partner is spending time with your kids, again, maturity and security win out.  Ultimately, we don’t burden the girls with our grown-up concerns.  They never have to worry about loyalty or feeling guilty for having a good time with their new stepmom or their soon-to-be stepdad.

This is not to say that their feelings about the remarriages aren’t mixed and complicated.  It is to say that we’ve been conscious not to add drama and negativity to their concerns.

The following video is all kinds of Not Exactly Appropriate for the Situation, but this is the song I had running through my head when TechBoo arrived tonight.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Jermaine Jackson before his transformation into a shellac-ed California Raisin was complete:

This station break from reading/review writing is brought to you by…my future stepdaughter #1.  What shall I call her on this blog??? Hmm.

I got it: Li’l Mama.

So…my day started with a nice little chat with Li’l Mama.  I’m still looking for a poem for her to read during our wedding ceremony. In all our giddiness, Techboo and I committed to being mindful of and sensitive to the fact that the kids (all 4 of them) have their own feelings about our marriage and the wedding–generally excited and happy, but in the wake of our respective divorces, likely other feelings as well–and we want to give them the emotional space to feel what they feel.  For this reason, we’ve generally followed their lead in terms of involving them in the wedding planning and such.

So my heart did a little happy dance when I got a text from Li’l Mama later in the day.  She sent me a picture of the stack of boxes that had arrived at the house.  The text included the words “Our wedding stuff,” and she expressed excitement about it.  Her and her younger sister’s dresses arrived a few weeks ago.  They love their dresses and their jewelry.  But there was something about the “our” in her text today that made me smile.  I like that she feels included.  Our hope is for a family wedding, a ceremony that represents all of us coming together, despite the distance.

Li’l Mama and I continued to text back and forth throughout the day and evening.  She sent before and after pictures of a beef dish she and Techboo made in the crockpot. I sent video of Mini-Me hooping it up at her basketball game.  Li’l Mama made me drool with pics of her homemade oatmeal cookies.  She promised to freeze some for me.

It really is the little things.  I’m approaching stepmotherhood slowly…mindfully.  Forging relationships with Li’l Mama and her sister that feel right to everyone.  And everything in its own time.  Every little moment, a gift.

It’s been one of those weeks…busy, but all good.  So many things on the radar, but I thought I’d post this sad story about TechBoo’s favorite singer, Mary J. Blige Anita Baker.

Memo to Anita: I feel for you, but it’s never a good idea to piss off “exasperate” a judge.

Anita Baker Could Face Jail in Royalty Dispute with Her Ex

Multi-tasking stats: This entry was half-heartedly posted while contemplating natural remedies to clear my congested right sinus (diagnosed by my dentist, of all people, via 3-D x-ray); thanking God for health insurance; mulling over the tens of thousands (literally) of emails in my inbox and the 80 of them I actually need to address; drafting a review in my head of a book I haven’t finished reading yet; and really missing my TechBoo.

UPDATE: Looks like everything worked out for Ms. Baker after all.  Good for her.

…the sound of TechBoo* shoveling nearly two week’s worth of ice and snow to clear our walks is giving me life right now.

That is all.

*Photo is not of my actual TechBoo. The gentleman pictured is a “garage attendant” according to Flickr.

Nay-Nay and me (age 1)

I had some baklava with my lunch at this Mediterranean place today.  Baklava is all honey-yumminess, but mostly I love it because my Nay-Nay introduced me to it when I was a kid.  Nay-Nay was always bringing the world to me in a white paper bag or covered styrofoam bowl.  I wrote a tribute to her here. A couple of years ago, not long after  this piece came out in print form, TechBoo surprised me by having it enlarged, matted, and framed.  It hangs now on my dining room wall.  Le sigh.  I miss my Nay-Nay.

I got the Best. Valentine’s. Day. Gift. EVER.

From TechBoo, of course.  He TOTALLY gets me. This is why I love this man.

I got him a bunch of cards from this hilarious collection.

And I sent this one to a few folks who I knew would appreciate it:

Spending some one-on-one time today and tomorrow with Mini-Me, starting wtih breakfast at our favorite crepes place.  Then errands, then basketball practice, then…who knows?  A day, a treasure.