Mamalicious!

So, it may be a stretch, but TechBooHusband and I have got our sights set on Paris ’11, to celebrate our 40th birthdays.  Thanks to recommendations from 2 dear, globe-trotting friends, we’re two steps closer. Check out TravelZoo and AirBnB!

Love is served!

This post first appeared at CoParenting101.org.

At first glance, what you see is just Sunday dinner. But perhaps what you can’t see are the ingredients that went into making this wonderful spread: time, attention, thought, patience, laughter, fun…and love.

My (Deesha’s) oldest stepdaughter made sautéed greens (a method of preparing greens that I introduced her and her dad to recently). Tell me these don’t look like something straight off of Food Network (and no, mine never look this good!):

My youngest stepdaughter made the corn bread and macaroni and cheese. My husband helped her fry the chicken (and by “helped”, I mean he fried the chicken while she was off doing something else, lol).

What does any of this have to do with co-parenting? Only this: This spread really brought home something that we write about on this site daily. We try to encourage parents who are co-parenting under difficult circumstances, who may be discouraged or worried about the impact of parental conflict on their children. Time and time again, we tell them not to underestimate the power of their positive influence in the face of negativity. We tell them that their character and their actions do matter, and that the children are always watching.

We tell them we understand that it’s hard to be the Bigger Parent. We tell them to just hold on, with the hope that their kids will “get it”, in their own time.

We urge them to focus on the power they do have to impact their children’s lives for the better, even though they may feel powerless when their children are not in their care.

We tell them that the time, attention, thought, patience, laughter, fun…and yes love, that they share with their children means the world.

Peace to the parents who do not get a chance to connect in this way with their children because of parental alienation.

Peace to the parents who feel like they messed up at the outset of the break-up and want another chance with their children to do better.

Peace to the parents who are afraid that their children’s love for the other parent somehow diminishes their love for them. (It doesn’t.)

Peace to the children who live between two households and who simply want…peace.

Speaking of my dear husband, you can hear him, El Ex, and some other wonderful co-parenting dads on the most recent episode of Co-Parenting Matters, “Dads’ Roundtable Discussion.”

Or rather a lantern, with a genie in it.

Or something.

At any rate, I rub him and I get books!  Actually, I send him links to books I like, and *POOF*…they appear.  From our earliest dating days, I told him he could miss me with the flowers and jewelry (though I appreciate any and all gifts!); if I have a say in the matter, a good book is it.  Second only to traveling…(speaking of which, I’m still in denial that Paris for our 40th may not happen because of a recent ginormous car repair bill…)

Anyway…below are the latest wishes sent to TechBooHusband.  I hear they are great reads!

Bitch is the New Black

32 Candles

Platinum

Imagine the big grin on my face yesterday when I found the following posted on my Facebook wall by Michelle Sewell, the publisher/editor for Woman’s Work, a collection of short stories from GirlChild Press (my story, “On Death and Dating,” has the honor of opening the collection):

Someone almost burnt their dinner reading your story. It was so good they didn’t want to stop and go check the stove…lol Now that is some good writing!

So if you want some “so-good-you’ll-forget-to-watch-the-stove-&-burn-your-dinner” writing from me, go here: http://bit.ly/d3Folx (The pre-sale price of $10 is in effect through the end of the summer; ignore the deadline posted)

In this post, I introduced you to my niece who aspires to be a mortician and to pursue an undergraduate degree at an HBCU.  Next spring, she hopes to take a multi-state tour of several HBCU campuses.  She has the support of our family, and she has a part-time job, however, the cost of this tour is quite steep. I’m so proud of her, and I want to help her along the path toward the future she envisions for herself.  I asked her to write a little bit about why she’s interested in mortuary science:

An HBCU would be a great place for me to begin my higher learning. I plan to study biology or anthropology. I would like to ultimately like to go to mortuary science school, and after I graduate from there, in my apprenticeship, work at the city morgue. The field of biology offers many research positions,  just in case the second step of my plan, funeral Services, doesn’t pan out–although I see no reason why it shouldn’t, with a lot of hard work and ambition. After my apprenticeship, I hope to work with someone before I go on to own a funeral home.

Puzzled faces and wrinkled foreheads are usually the first things that I see when I tell someone that I want to go into the funeral business. “Dead people? Blood?” are usually the words that follow. I visit funeral homes a lot with my mother, who is a nurse here in Jacksonville, who sometimes gets attached to her patients. We’ve been taking our weekly funeral home visits for as long as I can remember. In a way she feels like she contributed a lot to my career path, and I guess she’s right. In the year 2007 and 2008 I lost a lot of family members and attended a lot of funerals. I can’t say that I like losing family member, but I do like seeing how they make them look so peaceful no matter how they passed away. I know how it made me feel to see my family members in such good conditions, and I want more people who lose loved ones to feel that way, thanks to my services.

I also know in this field of work as many people tell me, “I’ll always have a job, people always die’’ so that’s a plus. I also am a good person to talk to and a good listener which is also a good trait for this field because I have to listen to how people’s lives were and let their families know that everything will be okay. I know there is a lot more to this job than just making people look nice and talking to their families, like the actual cutting and all the bloody stuff, but I would just anticipate the faces of the families of the deceased when they see their family member for the last time in such good condition. That would be my motivation everyday.

We welcome your well wishes, prayers, and encouragement for Dontavia. If you are moved to make a monetary contribution toward her tour fees, you may do so via my PayPal account (deesha AT deeshaphilyaw DOT com), or contact me if you prefer a different method. On her behalf, I appreciate your consideration.

Here is a link to the tour: http://www.hbcucampustours.com/home.asp (She’s interested in Tour A).

My niece, Dontavia (NOT pictured above), who is a college-bound honors student, is raising money for a multi-state HBCU campus tour. She has the support of our family, and she has a part-time job, however, the cost of this tour is quite steep. I’m so proud of her, and I want to help her along the path toward the future she envisions for herself.

Please read her appeal below. We welcome your well wishes, prayers, and encouragement. If you are moved to make a monetary contribution, you may do so via my PayPal account (deesha AT deeshaphilyaw DOT com), or contact me if you prefer a different method. On her behalf, I appreciate your consideration.

Inspired by our pooches, MiniMe and Daddy’sGirl (my youngest bonus daughter), just penned the following parody of “Single Ladies.” Hee-larious…

All my single doggies (x7)

Now put your paws up
Up in the doghouse, just woke up
Doin’ my own puppy thing
I decided to bark (bark)
Now you gonna lick (lick)
‘Cause another pug noticed me
I’m up on him, he’s up on me
Don’t pay him any attention
‘Cause you’ve had your turn, and now you gonna learn
What it’s really like to have fleas!

Chorus
‘Cause if you like it then you shoulda put a leash on it
‘Cause if you like it then you shoulda put a leash on it
Don’t be mad when you see I peed on it
‘Cause if you like it then you shoulda put a leash on it

Woof, woof, wooof
Woof, woof, wooof
Woof, woof, wooof
Woof, woof, wooof
(repeat)

Chorus

Got crumbs on my lips
Harness on my hips
Hold me tighter than all those fleas
Acting up, drank from the toilet
Couldn’t care less what you think
I get no crate time, did I mention?
Don’t care, don’t pay any attention.
‘Cause I whimpered and whimpered for three good years
You can’t be mad at me.

Chorus

Don’t put me in the crate anymore
I’m not that type of dog
A rub is what I prefer, what I deserved
Now here is an owner that crates me and crates me
From infinity and beyond
See, I’m the dog you want
‘Cause if you don’t, you’ll be alone
Like a ghost, I’ll be gone

All my single doggies (x7)

‘Cause if you like it then you shoulda put a leash on it
‘Cause if you like it then you shoulda put a leash on it
Don’t be mad when you see I peed on it
‘Cause if you like it then you shoulda put a leash on it

Woof, woof, wooof!

Attention, Zombie Shopper!  This MSN article tells you to stop it.

I think my irritation with zombie shopping and “shopping as recreation” started in childhood when my mother and her friends would drag me from store to store in the mall, all Saturday afternoon long and into the evening.  The whole endeavor was pointless to me: Get what you need and get out, was my philosophy.  But no one listened to me.  Thankfully, I was eventually old enough to be left on the floor of B. Dalton bookstore where I would read entire books while the shopping spree happened.  The only good part of those Saturdays was dinner afterward at Red Lobster.  And this was before those yummy garlic cheddar biscuits.  But I digress…

As an adult, I now see other layers that are sometimes at work with the Zombie Shopper.  Even chronic window shopping is problematic.  Window shopping should be called wishful retail thinking.  What’s the point?  Those are valuable hours that could be spent actually doing something.  What do you have at the end of hours upon hours of trying on stuff and touching things that you’ll never buy because you can’t afford it…besides frustration, dissatisfaction, and lack of gratitude for the things you do have?  Unchecked consumerism is a disease that goes undetected buy the majority of sufferers.  And it can be hereditary.  What do we teach our children about our values and priorities when we spend more time Looking at Stuff than we do reading or otherwise enriching the quality of our lives and relationships, or improving the world around us?

I had to look inward and ask myself why this bothers me so much.  After all, it’s not my money that’s (not) being spent.  What I’ve realized is that the zombie shopping and the wishful retail thinking remind me of my late mother and some of the choices she made–choices that negatively impacted the overall quality of her life.  I wished that things had been different and better for her, that she had found her solace in something of substance, something that would have actually fulfilled her.  After both she and my grandmother died in 2005, my half-sister boxed up 17 large U-Haul boxes of clothes, shoes, and purses and shipped them to Katrina survivors around the country. Many of the items were unworn, tags still on them.

Check it out…

My friend Tami of WhatTamiSaid is holding it down at Change.org with a new piece on race and the mommyhood. Bonus: I’m quoted!  Or rather, my Bitch article is.